Heartsapocolypse's Journals

Dear Buzznet,

It's been a long time since I've been very active here. I visit all the time and buzz things I like. The last few months have been filled with losing a job and finding a new one. Getting a job at a school that had been shut down and now is reopening has taken up most of my time.

Just wanted to let all my friends here know that I haven't forgotten about you, and I do visit periodically. I have to admit to being on Facebook more regularly but I do check in here now and then. I love coming here to see the creativity of my friends on Buzznet, you are all so talented in so many different ways!

So, in case I don't stop by before then, I wish you all a very happy holidays and a splendid new year!

I love you guys....

Frosty morning while waiting for the bus...

Where did my girly girl go?

I have come to realize that I have been hiding my "girly" side for most of my life. What do I mean by girly side? Well, my feminine side, the side that likes nail polish, make up, wearing dresses, wearing perfume and loving flowers and stuffed animals.

So what's the big deal? Why is this not something that comes naturally to me, a female?

I began thinking about it this morning as I was doing my nails, something that I've just started to do again. I was thinking, is this really worth all the trouble? It's just clear nail polish, no one will even notice it. This is a big waste of time.

And I thought, why? Why is this a big waste of time? Why can't I just do this for fun, because I like it?

From the time I can remember, I had a boy's name, a boy's haircut and despite my wearing dresses to school, I was made fun of and called a boy. It became a pattern in my life that I have never known how to break out of.

I was about 8 years old and being raised in the Catholic church, I went through the classes to have my first communion. The final ceremony was a big deal. The girls had to wear these very frilly white dresses, white patent leather shoes and a veil, sort of like a mini bridal outfit. At the end of the ceremony, we were to stand in lines according to gender. I waited with all the other girls for my certificate. They read all the names and mine was not there. They told me I must have been put in the boy's group and had to go wait in the boy's line for my certificate. There I was in this fluffy, frilly white dress, my white patent leather Mary-Janes and my veil waiting in the boys line for my certificate.

I was 13. I had just put on my very first make-up and was coming down the stairs when my dad very innocently says "what's that all over your face, you look like a raccoon". My dad loves me. He is a loving father that took care of me and has been on my side since the day I was born, and always will be. The reality is that the words we say to our children do matter and can sting.

Thinking about these stories, I realized that was the exact moment that I put away my feminine side.

After that, I stopped wearing dresses, make up and became a tomboy. I went from dresses to Levi's , and tee-shirts. I began to hide my body which was betraying me by developing too early.

I put away my girly side because I didn't understand it. It was so much easier to be a tomboy that I embraced it completely. Now, I wasn't the tree climbing tomboy but just dressed in men's levis and tee-shirts and overalls. I chopped my hair off short and became a tough cookie. I didn't fight physically but boy could I skewer a person with words.

I became one of the guys. I could out swear, out joke and eventually out drink most of the boys I knew. I didn't see my self as a girl so why should anyone else? It was a defense mechanism and a way to fit in. The guys all liked me because I could handle the potty humor and could keep up with the sarcastic patter they tossed around. They didn't need to impress me because I wasn't really a girl, but just another guy.

This has continued throughout most of my life. Even today I think I come across as not very feminine. It's become just the way I am.

My femininity has taken a couple of serious hits as an adult and I found myself diving back into that tomboy thing.

A couple of years ago a friend and I were talking about how his son would sometimes get bored when he would have to tag along with the girlfriend to the mall to get her nails done. I said "Well, he won't have to worry about that with me, I don't do all that girly stuff". That friend stopped and questioned me about my statement. He called me on how negative I was about feminine things. I had never really thought about it but he was right. Girly things were for other girls not for me. I had failed at that and so didn't feel it was an option for me.

Slowly over the last few years I've tried to open up that side of myself. I have done some very deliberate things like let my hair grow long, and dragging out my stuffed animals again. I've come to realize with the help of that friend, being feminine, a woman is a very powerful thing and something I want to embrace. It has changed the way I see myself and how I see the world. I'm not perfect at it yet, after all there are 48 years of tapes to erase from my head. I still don't wear very feminine clothes and I still fall into that "one of the guys" mode more often than I'd like it's what I know. I don't feel like I have to compete with other women because I'm one of the guys instead. I'm safe, harmless like a little sister not an honest-to-god woman.

There is one person who gets to see the woman side of me, one person I feel safe with, that won't belittle me if I don't do it perfectly. Instead with this person I am encouraged to grab it, embrace it and immerse myself in it.

So will I ever find that lost girly girl? I don't know if I ever will but I'm trying to open myself to the possibility that she isn't gone, she's just hiding out. That some day, I'll feel safe enough to let her out so she can have her turn. For now, we do the dance and compromise. I let her put on nail polish and she lets me be a tomboy once in awhile.

Happy Memorial Day

I just want to say Happy Memorial Day and to say thank you to all of you who have served. It is an honor to know you and I thank you for doing what so many of us can't.

Observations from behind the desk

Whenever I hear someone cough or sneeze at work or on the bus, I want to yell "SWINE FLU".

Sarcasm is lost on some people.

Why do women think it's OK to yell at and publicly ridicule their men? And why do those men put up with it? And vice versa.

Why is it that some women think the only way they can get help is to speak in a whiny, baby voice and act helpless? Don't they know how annoying that is?

What part of "print your name" don't you understand?

Why is it that after you tell someone you don't have what they want, they keep asking for it?

Why do people feel compelled to keep asking the same question in different ways? Do they really expect me not to know what they are doing?

Or do they expect me to be worn down and give them what they want?

Why do people feel it's OK to yell across the room when they have a question?

Why do they ask for your opinion when they are just going to say, I don't think that's right?

Do I have a target on my forehead? Why in the last week have I been accosted three times at the bus stop by people whose gender is indefinable?

Why do people who don't know you feel it's OK to touch you in public? Or call you sweetheart?

Does the fact that I am wearing headphones and reading a book not make it clear I don't want to talk to you?

Do you really expect to get good service after you are the customer from hell?

Why is it ok for you to be a jerk but if I tell you that's not something we can do here, you go and complain and try to get me fired?

Do you realize you are talking on your cell phone while sitting under the sign that says please step outside to answer your cell phone?

When you smell like a pot plant, it will be harder to get a job.

You said what?!? And you're surprised she told you off?

No, that tattoo that says" fuck you" across your forehead won't keep you from getting a public service job.

Yeah, no one has used "cocksucker" as their password and then forgotten it and had have someone your mother's age look it up for you.

Hotsexymama@whatever.com is not a professional email address.

Wouldn't you rather put "customer service" than "service customers" on your list of job skills?

Sometimes the only thing that works is being a broken record.

Excellent communication skills does not include using profanity every third word.

No, Internet and email are not the same thing.

Isn't it Friday yet?

Change can be a bitch

I know, I know. Change is the only constant in life. It's unavoidable and inevitable. It's supposed to be a great adventure and looked upon with excitement and relish.

I can agree with that if the amount of change is reasonable and can be done over a period of time. But what's happening right now in my work life is too much change all at once with no breathing space or room to adjust.

The economy here in California is in the toilet and everyone is getting hit. I work for Adult Education and we got hit by the bus, then it backed up, ran over us once, backed up again and dragged us around the block.

They have changed the way Adult Ed is funded. It is no longer funded based on ADA (Average Daily Attendance) but it funded by a block grant that can be used by the district for anything it wants. What that means for us is layoffs, loss of programs and a lessening of services. In my school we have lost 20 Adult Ed teachers and will loose more before all this is done. What's been cut are the outreach programs that served disabled and the elderly clients.

In the business and training department, we are about to lose another 5-6 teachers in the next few weeks. This means my workload is about to double.

On top of that we are doing a redesign on our whole program apart from the adult school. This is, of course, going to need more employees not less but that is irrelevant. There is no money in the budget so we have to bite the bullet and try to make it work.

This is too much change for me. If it was one or the other, I think I could be more excited about something new. But the thought of doubling my work load when I am already swamped literally makes my stomach hurt. At least they are bringing in an aide that has worked in my department before, is great to work with and knows her stuff. I think we will be able to at least keep our sense of humor through all of this.

I am trying to find the silver lining in all of this because that is what I do. I'm hoping it will show itself in the next few days but right now I can't see it.

On the other hand, I have a full-time job with benefits and that's a lot more than some people have. I am truly grateful for that.

They say you can't go home again...

Yesterday I had the opportunity to spend a little time in the town where I went to college. It is just the next town up, about 7 miles from where I live.

This college town is home to Humboldt State University, is "green" and is smack dab in the middle of the "Emerald Triangle". They have an All Species Day parade, hippie festivals and farmer's markets in the summer. In other words, it's groovy.

I had to ride the bus to get to my destination. This is not something new for me as mass transit is my current mode of transportation. But riding the bus in this little town is unlike any bus ride I have ever taken.

This bus has classical music playing in it. They are broadcasting the University radio station, the unmistakable groovy D.J. breaking in to give us the local happenings.

At the University stop hordes of kids, yes, to me they are kids, get on. Most look to be in their very early twenties, toting backpacks, cell phones and iPods. They chatter on as the bus takes off, sharing seats and some standing on the over-full bus.

I was struck by their energy. I'm not talking about bouncing off the walls energy but their quiet energy. The energy that comes from youth. Bright, unlined faces smiling and talking, sharing ideas and laughs, philosophy lessons and making plans for the evening ahead.

I was particularly taken by a young man and young woman who were making some kind of connection on that crowded, noisy bus. They sat across from each other, apparently continuing a conversation started at the bus stop. He was probably in his early twenties, blonde with a full beard and a great smile. He had intelligent blue eyes that shone when he smiled, which he did often.

She was petite with short blonde hair pulled back into a cute pony tail, beautiful skin and nice blue-gray eyes. She leaned into his words and spoke animatedly with her hands and had a quick smile that flashed in her eyes.

Pretty soon it was time for her stop and they said good bye and she got off the bus. He waved to her as we drove by her.

I was fascinated by the interaction of these two people. It reminded me of how vital we were at that age, with the whole world open to us, our whole lives in front of us. How open we are before we are beaten down and scarred by our lives. By the disappointments, tragedies and monotony that can become everyday life. Before we become tired by the routines and challenges we face every day that wear us down and make us lose that spark.

Watching those two people connect on that level that existed before you learn to hide your heart and be suspicious of every new connection, reminded me that life is full. Life is full of chances and choices. Chances for new opportunities, relationships, and connections. Choices to be made that will open us up or close us down to these new experiences that will perhaps set us on a new, exciting path. A path we are meant to fulfil and perhaps exceed.

So, maybe you can't go home again but it sure is nice to be able to visit for awhile.

This is my life in a nutshell...

So today at work I was helping this gentleman who I think may have been a little slow. Very nice, polite man but a little off. He was sitting next to our new hire, a lovely young woman who is tall, thin and quite pretty. She was working on a project I'd given her and totally minding her own business. I'd gone back to my desk and was doing some paper work when...

I hear him say to her "you're very pretty, are you married?" She says yes, he says "I thought you were because I saw your ring. I really respect women and I really respect marraige and I want you to know that". He goes back to working.

Her shift is over so she leaves for the day. He continues to work and asks me for some help saving a document. I help him to print off his document and to save said document. He says to me "You're very efficient. Thank you for helping me". Very nice man...

I found it hysterical that he tells her she's very pretty and tells me I'm very effiecient... I am getting old...

Poetry in Winter

Undress me in your temple

lay me down on velvet robes

read me poetry in the winter

while the snow falls

walk with me

to the mountains

wander with me

to the sea

Stand with me

on the porch

hold my hand

in the thunderstorms

laugh with me

in the light of the sun

dance with me

under the moon

Lay with me

in the

velvet darkness

skin touching skin

heart touching heart

wrap your arms

around me

your breath in my hair

your lips on my neck

my hands on

your back

pulling you closer

as I melt

into youâ�¦

image found Here

Eavesdropping while buying lunch...

There is a small market/deli right across the street from me and I went up to pick up some stuff for lunch today. They have the obligatory Muzak going in the background and the song that was playing was "Afternoon Delight" by the Starland Vocal Band.

I'm standing at the cold case deciding whether I should get a soda or the Arizona Green Tea with Ginseng when I heard a 6ft. tall, multi-pierced, heavily tatted up guy say "I love this song". His girlfriend looked at him in askance and said "What?!" He replied "I love this song" and started singing along...

We hold these truths to be self-evident

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.

~The Declaration of Independence

You know, I keep hearing from the pro 8 people that the voters have spoken and that the 48% of us had just better get over it.

This sounds like what blacks were told when they wanted to be able to marry out of their race. Yeah, at one time the country chose to have slavery, segregated bathrooms and lunch counters and even segregated marriages. Did that make it right? No.

Iâ�™m hearing about how the protesters are wrong and should stay home. How many of the protesters in Selma were told that? They used fire hoses and dogs to tell them to stay home. The country had to be dragged kicking and screaming into giving these folks equal rights and it looks like the itâ�™s going to be the same thing with gay people.

My daughter and I have talked about this and she has made this observation about why people are so scared of gay people. You canâ�™t look in a room full of people and know which ones are gay. Itâ�™s not like they are black and easily identified. And I think that people are somehow afraid that contact with a gay person will â�œmake them gayâ�.

Itâ�™s all fear. And that fear makes it easy for some people to dehumanize other people and to get into this group mentality of us against them. Thatâ�™s what happened when black people struggled to get the right to vote and itâ�™s whatâ�™s happening now.

This is the next civil rights movement. It's going to be a battle but one worth fighting. How can we say America stands for freedom when we consciously deny a whole group of people their civil rights? How can we say America stands for freedom when we so easily vilify a whole population because of who they love?

We are on the eve of change. We have a black president; we had a woman vice-presidential candidate. Isnâ�™t it time we give gay people their civil rights??

ETA

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